In all honesty, there is nothing better than those lightbulb moments. As per usual, mine was brought on by song lyrics. But, they are none the less relevant. In the past there have been situations that I have run from. The key ones were studying law, and the other was a relationship. Both of these had the potential to go the distance – if I had played my cards right. So why did I flee the scene the second they started?
I have spent years trying to figure this out, because it keeps happening. Something starts going well, and my gut instinct is to bail. However, today I think I found my answer. Freedom. The decision to study law was one I didn’t make alone, in fact it was a product of years of parental pressure. Their hearts were in the right place, as they literally shoved me down the pathway of medicine or law. But, it was my heart that was not in it. And, the boy, well, he was someone who everyone thought would be good for me. So I fell in love with the idea of both of them; it would have led to the perfect linear life – a great job, and a great partner. But, as always the masses were wrong.
‘I don’t know what it is… I just always had that pressure of being perfect, and then at the same time I was always been drawn to fucking everything up. It just makes you feel so free, like no one can depend on you and no one expects things from you.’ – Tove Lo
For a brief moment this year I was unemployed, and had a pretty light university schedule. And my god, it was the most inspired I’ve ever been. It motivated me to write, attend music concerts, and travel – all the things that I treasure most. This was all because I had no commitments, and nobody relying on me. When you free yourself of constraints, some quite extraordinary things happen. You stop caring about what people think, and you let yourself run with whatever tangent you’re feeling that day. Expectations and deadlines are irrelevant, all that matters is the present.
Absolutely, I understand this is not how the real world works. We operate on nine to five schedules, and fun is restricted to the weekends. That’s just life. But, I guess my body is rebelling against that. It is just not in my nature to commit to the mundane. In fact, when that dreaded day comes, it is going to be struggle street to say the least.
There are millions of you out there who have your shit together – your lives are fully mapped out. But, here’s a friendly reminder that we are not all geared that way. So, keep your judgements close to your chest, and let me have my fun. I refuse to be a product of your expectations, and to let the prospect of disappointment govern my decisions anymore. Because, you know what I have one life to live, and I’m going to do it authentically.
P.S Apologies for the passive aggressive last paragraph, but this is a personal blog. So if you piss me off, yeah I’ll probably write about you.